After every  flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the  aircraft.

The  mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and  then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next  flight.

Never let it be  said that ground crews lack a sense  of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

Note: By  the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P:  Left inside main tire almost needs  replacement.
S: Almost  replaced left inside main  tire.

P:  Test flight OK, except auto-land very  rough.
S: Auto-land not  installed on this  aircraft.

P:  Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something  tightened in  cockpit.

P:  Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on  back-order.

P:  Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot  reproduce problem on  ground.

P:  Evidence of leak on right main landing  gear.
S: Evidence  removed.

P: DME  volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set  to more believable level.

P: Friction locks  cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what  friction locks are  for.

P: IFF  inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always  inoperative in OFF  mode.

P:  Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re  right.

P:  Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found  on right wing after brief  search.

P:  Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft  warned to straighten up, fly right, and be  serious.

P:  Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed  target radar with  lyrics.

P:  Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat  installed.

P:  Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on  something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer  away from  midget